Coming Undone

Coming Undone

I’d like to come on here and say, I’ve got it together. All the self care tools I’ve acquired over the years have made my breakup with Nana bearable. I’d even like to say I’ve moved with grace through the pain, showing up for my hurting daughters, being available to the people I serve and more…… oh how I would like to say!

Truth is, there hasn’t been an hour that has gone by since Sunday that I haven’t balled my eyes out. That I haven’t had to literally force myself out from under the covers and face another day. Since Sunday, the very thought of doing any one of the numerous self care tools I have amassed over the years seemed daunting, useless and would require more effort than I could muster. Damn, when I said I was brought to my knees, I wasn’t lying… in fact at this moment I can say my face has been brought to the ground and I’m attempting to breathe through a pile of shit. Yuck Yuck and more Yuck!

Despite the dread of facing the day and the looming self care I knew I needed to do to keep me from spiraling into a bottle of Jamesons, I forced myself to tackle just one thing. I decided no matter what I would complete the 100 squats I made a commitment to myself to get done each day for the month of November. Whether I completed 5 at a time over the course of the day until I reached 100 or whether I banged out all 100 at 11pm just to say I DID IT, didn’t matter so long as I managed to follow through on the promise I made to myself. Even before I knew my life would be forever changed…. Look at me go…..

In all seriousness though, it was this small act that helped me incorporate more acts of self care each day. Maybe yoga, maybe journaling, maybe coloring a skull 💀💀💀. The point is, one small commitment kept, helped me keep the biggest commitment of all to myself…. Don’t numb out. Feel the pain and do what you can, however you can in order to move through this.

So last night, after texting my soul sista Janet, “I know I’ve hit rock bottom when I’m picking the marshmallow pieces out of the lucky charms box and gorging my face” I decided to switch it up. While it’s true I have a litany of self care practices I can lean into to take care of myself, I needed something out of my normal routine to get my heart back in alignment. At that moment, I knew that come hell or high water, I was going to run for the first time since the death of my sister in 2019…. Lord help me!

Upon waking this morning and seeing the clouds, I asked my Julie girl if it was going to rain today. She said,”yup, and it’s going to start within the hour”. I had a choice to make…. Run in the rain and celebrate a win I so desperately needed or pass and wait for another opportunity. Another tug of my soul to get out and feel the wind against my skin. My gut told me if I didn’t cease the opportunity, I may not have another chance. And so after sitting with my girls, more present then I have been since Sunday, I grabbed my sneakers and headed for the door….. Nature, ready or not, here my ass comes!

The pace was slow and I spent more time walking than running but I did it. I hit the pavement, set my sights on my favorite meditation spot, and refused to quit until I could say, I have arrived… 45 minutes later, that’s just what I did. Whoop whoop 🙌

As I took the turn to head back home, the rain started falling, the song I will remember you by Sarah Mclachlan randomly showed up on YouTube and started playing in my headphones and I knew, no matter what, I was going to be ok!

Sweet jeezus!!! I needed this peace! Even if only for a little while!

Once home, I went about the task of making a smoothie, the first healthy thing I’ve put in my body since Sunday and thought, damn……. I am ridiculously blessed! Not just because of the work I’ve done over the years to get me to this point. Not because I am able to run, moving my body in ways many don’t have the ability to. Not because of the views I saw while out on my run. The birds, the heart shaped leaves floating through the air only to land perfectly in front of me. No, while all of this and more brings joy to my heart, the real blessing, the overwhelming and truest blessing for me is the love both Nana and I have been wrapped in. The calls, the offers to hang out and keep our minds busy, the late night, 3 hour crying sessions and more. It’s the outpouring of love that is what has really carried me through this past week and will continue to carry me as I slowly pick up the pieces of a very broken heart.

While I know there will be many more tears shed, many more mornings that I have to will myself to get busy living, I also know that I am going to be ok. I know that I am loved and that despite the angst in my heart, my soul is at peace…. This I know for certain!

My advice to you is this… when you are hurting, lean into love. Love from friends, family, or an organization that offers the services you need. Lean into hope. Hope that an hour from now, it won’t hurt so bad, hope that despite the darkness, there is light at the end of the tunnel…. Hope that love does indeed conquer all.

For anyone who ever feels they have no one to lean into, reach out to me. For I have enough hope and love for the both of us!

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