Growth Amidst Death

Growth amidst death

Death does not escape anyone. The moment we are born, our body starts its slow descent back into the universe in which it was born….. How beautiful!

But physical death is not the only death we experience. Deep loss is also death. Death of hopes and dreams, death of arms wrapped around a loved one, death of the you that was, before you knew the heart crushing ache of loss. A pain so unbearable you’d rather cut your heart out then feel the wound to your soul.

But death is beauty too. If you truly allow yourself to feel the pain, feel the hollow that was once joy, you allow yourself to open up even further into love. Further into expansion. Further into living! What an amazing opportunity. To die but still become.

Last night death knocked at my door. It appeared unexpectedly and took my breath away. The beautifully pieced together heart that I have so carefully crafted over the years with gold, shattered, leaving me wondering how I was going to keep living in love, joy and peace. Oh how tender life can be.

After a fitful night of sleep, I woke determined to find love in all that I experienced today. Find love in the pain I was feeling. Find love in my plant Alex(yes she has a name and I love her). Find love in the tough conversations that I knew would need to play out as I processed this unimaginable loss. As I moved throughout my morning, I knew that death had indeed come and that I am forever changed. Shedding the skin that was me not 24 hours ago. What a realization.

Despite being sick, feeling like a mallet smashed my face from all the tears shed, I knew I needed to run. Run to expel the negative energy built up inside me. Run to prove to myself that even death has no power over me. Run because despite the immeasurable pain my heart feels, my body deserves my own love. Run because it’s the only thing in this moment that I can control.

As I laced up my shoes, tears pouring down my face, I asked the Universe, my sister Shelley, my grandmother, to carry me. To hold space for me and push me to keep going, despite the physical and emotional pain…… I asked for grace.

May be an image of 1 person, nature and tree

As I ran, I shed some anger, I shed tears and I shed the person who questioned why me. Why is this happening to me? As I ran, I knew, from the depth of my soul, that all who inhabit this earth suffer. The trees suffer when we cut them down in masses. The animals suffer when we build and build and build, never taking into account that we are building on their land. Insects suffer, when we so easily spray poison around our house to keep them out. When, without care, we step on them, giving no thought to the fact that they are sacred too. And humans suffer. Suffer from insecurities, disconnection, illness, loss of a loved one and more. As I ran, I realized that the question should not be, why me? It should be, why not me……. And as I came to this realization, self pity took its final breath in my body…..

Now I’m not going to claim that I am free of pain and suffering. I’m not. There are going to be months of angst and deeper sorrow than I care to acknowledge at this moment. But there will also be a rebirth. A new, more loving, more forgiving, more kind Kerri. I will honor my pain while becoming a better, truer expression of myself. Of love.

So while the death of my dreams remains heavy on my heart, the love I’m stepping into is worth it. Death can turn the darkest of hours into an exquisite kind of love….. how blessed am I.

And as a further reminder that death brings new life, I offer this. Mushrooms happen to be one of my favorite things. No, not because they make you hallucinate, although, I’ve danced that dance and can say…… FUN TIMES! They grow in darkness and communicate with each other underground. Mushrooms grow on dead trees and thrive. Creating a new life where death once was…. So cool! Another fact about mushrooms. They are so powerful that if we covered the earth with them, they would remove much of the toxins that now pervade our world. In short, I want to be a mushroom. Rising from death, connected to all and removing toxins, one person, one hug, one shared experience at a time. Because in the end, death will always be with us, so won’t the ability to love… I choose to love.

P.S. Today’s run took me further than I’ve pushed my body since coming back to the pavement. My sister and grandmother did indeed carry me!

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