Just Write

I love everything about writing. I love the way my fingertips hit the keyboard as I type a sentence. I love the way each word works in unison with other words to create sentences. I most especially love when I see my thoughts filling up the blank space of the page before me. What was once void of anything is now filled with thoughts, ideas and inspiration. Oh how I love to sit down and see what is ready to pour from my soul onto the page before me. And yet, as much as I love to write, the words did not come easily for me these past few months and the mere thought of sitting down and coming up with something unique to write about left me feeling unsettled and not good enough.

As I planned to write I ran up against thoughts such as “what do I have to say”  leaving me feeling lost and not wanting to sit in front of the computer. Which is exactly what I have avoided doing for months now. Rather than allowing myself to work my way through my thoughts on not having anything to write about, I simply did not give myself the opportunity to even try. Instead of sitting down with the tool I love, allowing myself to be in the void of not knowing what to write but knowing it was within me, I gave myself permission to believe that  if I had nothing worthwhile to say, then why waste my time. 

So here I am, months since last sitting down to write and in those months I have felt lost. Emotions such as sadness, fear, loss lack have consumed my thinking, leaving me melancholy without purpose. While it may seem silly, the simple act of not writing having such a profound effect on my emotional well being, the truth is, writing is my anchor, a practice that grounds me and leads to all the other great things I do for myself in order to live fully and vibrantly. 

As I examine how I showed up over the last few months I realized that not writing was just the start point of my decline in doing other things that make me feel good. Instead of meditating everyday, I would come to the practice sporadically. Instead of doing yoga and working out I would fall back into old patterns of behavior such as watching t.v. or scrolling through social media. I let myself believe that not writing was not a big deal and that I could easily come back to it when I had an inspired idea. But the truth is, I didn’t come back to it. I just found more reasons not to write, to meditate, to workout. Instead of doing what I know makes me feel good, I allowed myself to believe that not writing didn’t matter. But matter it does. 

What I realized is that it doesn’t matter what I write about or how my work comes out but rather  that I am doing something I love and makes me feel good. Something that brings me joy and brings me a deep sense of peace. Rather than holding myself to a standard of excellence when writing, I just simply need to write because by doing so I am nurturing my soul. I now know that not writing paved the way for  reasons not to do other things I love, causing me to lose sight of who I am and what makes me happy. I went from not doing one thing  I love to do to not doing most of the things I love to do. Instead of challenging myself to work through a temporary writing block, I unwittingly opened the door to more excuses and reasons not to do the things I love to do. What started out as a reason why I shouldn’t write turned into continually not showing up for myself in meaningful ways. Ways that have helped unlock the best version of myself. 

Now, as I take steps to regain my perspective, purpose and passion I  know that what is most important is just showing up in front of the screen and writing. Whether I have an idea in mind or not matters not. What matters is that I show up for myself. Show up and know that by doing so I am making the choice to show up in other areas of my life as well as writing. After all, one healthy choice leads to another healthy choice and before I know it, I will be back in the swing of things doing all the things I love to do instead of making up excuses as to why those things don’t matter. And while I know the road back to my optimal mental health will take time, I am confident that if I just sit myself in front of the computer each day, I will be just fine. 

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