Moving Through Hard

Moving through hard

As most of you all know by now, because I apparently have verbal diarrhea of the mouth, that a week ago yesterday Nana and I decided to redefine our relationship. Moving from lovers to best friends as a means to honor each other’s soul yet keep the integrity of the deep, loving bond that we have. While the decision was and still is painful, we have no regrets…… Well, maybe some but this is a public forum so I’ll keep it PG 😬😏

All jokes aside, this week has been hard and I’ve  had to really work at showing up for myself and for my children. By work I mean, being gentle with myself for crying, WAY more ugly, snot nosed tears than I care to admit. By work I mean, reaching out and asking for help. By work I mean, choosing a run over the sweet embrace of my covers….. when I say it’s been work, dang, it’s been emotion, mental and physical work…. But hey, I’m a survivor and it’s what I know. Dig in Kerri cause ain’t no one coming to save you.

As I’ve moved through the week, Me and Nana made a conscious choice to support each other. To share our hurt and pain with one other regarding how difficult it was to hold space for one another. Basically to continue to love one another. To say showing up as a good friend for Nana this week was rough is an understatement! To hear him share with me that someone he loves deeply told him he needed to look for a woman his age, a woman from his culture was the equivalent of getting slapped in the face. That shit stung. To fall apart numerous times with him on the phone and have to abruptly end the call, only to call back and apologize, feeling like I failed as a friend. Like I wasn’t strong enough to carry his pain along with mine was hard. My thoughts, not a good friend, not good at loving him, not a good friend at all…… man this stinks🤢

But as the week went on and the love poured in, things got easier. Nana still reached out to check on me and I made it a point to share in his joy when he told me about a win at work or an evening out with friends. For me, trusting that we could still be the best of friends and then seeing how our transition was unfolding gave me the solace I needed to start moving on. To keep on doing what I always do, which is keep it moving. Just keep it moving.

By Sunday both Nana and I knew we needed to see each other. To be able to hug each other and really make sure the other was ok. In hindsight I suppose it’s fitting that we landed at the gym, the exact place our friendship started more than a year ago. The place in which we push and challenge each other both physically and mentally. This was for sure going to push us, in more ways than just breaking a sweat.

I showed up and we immediately embraced, holding each other tightly, me trying to hold back tears. After a bit of time Nana pulled back and looked into my eyes and said “damn it’s good to see you best friend”. Me thinking, hold it together Kerri just hold it together.

As we entered the gym and started to get our workout underway, there were the occasional “hey babes oh I mean Kerri” and I’m trying really hard not to stare at your ass. The leaning in for a hug and not placing my hands anywhere but on Nana’s back was, let’s just say, more than a little challenging. But we pushed through and I only found myself crying once, while talking about dreams and goals for the future, knowing my path and knowing that as much as I want to force Nana to live out my idea of perfect, I can’t….. yeah, this is a hard truth to honor, even knowing it’s the right thing to do. Damn, why does loving well gotta mean losing sometimes?!?!?!

After the gym we caught the Pats game, again finding ourselves in awkward moments when faces were close, his lips there for the kissing but knowing they weren’t mine to taste anymore, moments when a game we once added strip to the front of became an ordinary game of chess…. While I beat his ass(yes Nana, I’m talking reckless) the missing striptease was a tough blow for me….. the things you do for friendship!! Oy Vey!

Alas, we made it through the game and dinner unscathed and maintained this new norm we are moving into. Deep levels of love and connection without intimacy. I still puke a bit in my mouth when I say this out loud. I mean, it’s Nana….. have ya seen his body?!?! Just saying.

Really though, despite the hurt and pain, the awkward moments, the many tears shed, the what if’s and the occasional fear that our new way of caring for each other won’t last, I am grateful for Sunday. Grateful to be able to move through hard with Nana rather than without him. Grateful that he is willing to move through his hard times with me. Grateful that through our pain we are building a stronger, deeper, unwavering bond. One only shared between people who are willing to go through hell together while holding on to hope that it’ll be worth the journey once we’ve reached the otherside.

I truly hope and pray that you all are willing to move through hard. Change careers if the one you have is sucking your soul, leave a relationship that no longer serves you. Take a leap of faith on yourself and discover your passion. Yes, the road is tough and not without heartache but the rewards are so much sweeter than the pain. A reward like mine. Being able to mean it when I say, I hurt myself into the most authentic and beautiful friendship with a man I’ll always love!

Lots of love

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